What's best for you
by Siriusly-mckinnon
Summary: Natasha has time to think while she's held captive by Ultron. She makes some decisions regarding her and Steve's relationship.
1. Chapter 1

It was so stupid. She had been so fucking close. Get the cradle to Barton, get herself to Barton, save the day. So close. That last second ankle grab was fighting dirty but then Ultron didn't seem the type to fight fair. She was glad for the knowledge that if she had not prevented it, she had at least postponed Ultron's takeover. She didn't know his end game plan but it didn't matter for now. What did matter was that she had taken from him a presumably vital part of it.

When she woke up she was not ashamed to say she was fucking terrified. Natasha had dealt with bad people for as long as she could remember. There was always another fight to be had, always someone new to face off against. But Ultron wasn't a bad _person,_ Ultron wasn't _someone_. He was a thing, a robot, an AI that was out of control and that wasn't something she had experience with. JARVIS was fine, he existed as a voice to aid Tony and make the compound an easier place to live. Even Tony, though the whole iron suit thing was fucking creepy, was still Tony underneath it. A human that she could deal with. Ultron was artificial, if he were a human she could reason with him, even convince him to get close enough so she could get herself out but a robot? Natasha thrived on her experience, when something happened chances are she had dealt with it or something similar in the past. Held captive by a robot AI that hated the Avengers with a passion? Not something she had a guidebook for.

She wasn't afraid of death. Natasha had lived a long time, maybe not the most meaningful life but she wasn't afraid to die. But she was damned if her death meant nothing. She meant it when she said she had defected and joined SHIELD to go straight. There was so much to answer for and dying at the hands of Ultron without stopping whatever scheme he was running was out of the question. He seemed to want to keep her alive which gave her time to plan. If she had to guess she would say he was lonely which was batshit crazy to her since he was an AI but who was she to question it when it seemed to be the only thing keeping her alive.

She thought of her last words to her team, just in case. Of course if she was going to die it seemed fitting her last Op was her and Clint back at it again. She smiled fondly as she remembered her last interaction with Cap, he had joked with her about keeping Ultron occupied. A joke told, a shield thrown, a seamless partnership. She felt slightly bad knowing Steve would have had to step up and tell Clint to finish the mission instead of going after her. Clint was ridiculously loyal, he would have jeopardised the mission to get her back immediately. She appreciated that level of care of course but Steve's level headedness was more needed here to ensure Ultron did not get that cradle. It wouldn't have been easy for Steve to let her go either she knew that, but he knew how to put the mission first.

She put her head in her hands in that stupid little cell and imagined dying. She _thought_ Ultron wasn't looking to kill her but he was unpredictable, erratic and she had no idea if he would stick to his current decision not to murder her. She chuckled sadly to herself as she imagined the scene with her teammates. Clint would be looking for her she knew, she was his priority. Tony probably wouldn't give her much of a second thought, not because he didn't care about her but because he knew that Clint would use whatever resources Tony could give him to find her. Bruce would be worried because that was Bruce. Thor would likely be indifferent, apart from appreciation for her skill in combat she didn't think she meant all that much to him which was fine with her. She would be at the back of Steve's mind. The mission would always remain at the forefront but she knew him well enough to know she wouldn't be far from his thoughts. He had faith in Clint to find her so he wouldn't put his focus on her, that didn't mean he cared any less or he wouldn't worry.

The prospect of death put things much more into perspective. Obviously each time she went on a mission there was the possibility of death but sitting in a cell where she had time to actually _think_ about it was a vastly different thing. Natasha's emotions were only ever her own so she was sure Steve had no idea what she felt about him. Maybe if she got out of all this she would tell him. He knew she was his friend, probably one of the best friends he'd had since coming off the ice. She would be there if he wanted her and if he didn't, well Natasha could handle rejection but sitting there with death possibly on the horizon for her she couldn't imagine dying with Steve not knowing he could have her. She had a lot of reasons to live. Clint, the family, stopping Ultron, finally telling Steve to name a few and it was time to get off her ass and get out of there.

She hadn't been strategizing long when she heard a familiar voice. She was almost embarrassed that one of the men had to come and bust her out but in her defence she had been unconscious for a good period of her abduction. Bruce let her out and started his spiel about her having done enough and his reluctance to be a part of the fight. Her lip twisted at the insinuation that she wasn't expected to fight, of course she would be in the middle of the battle. She was part of the team. Banner would be angry at her later but right now she needed to get to Sokovia and she needed the Hulk to do it.

The second time death stared her in the face Steve was by her side and it was a damn sight more pleasant than before. If she were to die, this was how she was supposed to go. Saving the lives of people, a beautiful view in front of her and the man she loved by her side. Of course the arrival of SHIELD put a slight wrench in those plans but she certainly wasn't complaining. She smiled as she realised she could do this. If they made it out her and Steve would both have a chance.

After was a whirlwind of damage control. Walk off their bruises and let the world know exactly what the fuck had happened in Sokovia that day. Natasha hadn't had a moment alone with Steve since the hulk had saved her but she was still steeled in her resolve to finally tell him she was so much more than just his partner. She smiled at the video of little Nathaniel, a reminder that despite everything there was still some good in the world.

She stared at the wall of the new Avengers compound as her mind raced with everything that was to be done. Wanda would need care, she had lost the most important person in her life and would inevitably be angry. Natasha likened it to if she lost Clint, the same heartache. Vision would have to be evaluated because she really could not deal with another Ultron. Truth be told Vision kind of freaked her out, she knew he was nothing like Ultron but still. It wasn't often Natasha felt vulnerable or helpless and Vision just seemed to highlight her time as Ultron's prisoner.

'You wanna keep staring at the wall or do you wanna get to work?' Steve's teasing tone broke her out of her thoughts. She paused for a moment before she turned to look at him and while she saw humour on his face she knew he was concerned. She hadn't heard him approach, she always heard the approach.

'I thought you and Tony were still gazing into each other's eyes' was her rebuttal. Soft humour to let him know that even if she was a little off her game right now it was okay. She swallowed nervously as she walked towards him, now was her chance to tell him. Her life could end at any minute, may as well let Steve know he was loved. He was looking at her expectantly with vivid blue eyes as if he knew she had something important to say.

She took a breath. 'Steve, I-' She was cut off from speaking by the soft lilt of FRIDAYS voice over head.

'Captain Rogers, Agent Carter is here for you.'

Agent Carter. Of course Sharon Carter was here for Steve. Natasha mentally kicked herself. How could she have been so stupid? Sharon and Steve made perfect sense. She knew she was jumping to conclusions about the two but even if they weren't together it made sense that they should be. Much more sense than the definition of good and brave coupled with a defected spy that has a body count higher than Thor's age. Sharon was good, she was so good and brave and right. She could hold her own in battle, had a hell of a shot and was just a genuinely nice person. So like Steve. Natasha knew she wasn't a terrible person, she had red in her ledger for sure but she was trying so hard to make up for everything she had been. That was irrelevant when it came to this though because how could she, the Black Widow, the assassin be right for Steve when he could have a golden girl like Sharon. She swallowed her feelings and steeled herself knowing that if she told Steve now she could keep him from something great.

Just for once second she let her face fall. For one second only and she knew Steve saw it. She schooled her features back to her usual expression and looked at him. He had a little furrow between his brows and she ached to smoothen it out. But that wasn't her job, she would let that job fall to someone who was worthy of it.

'Sharon Carter huh? You should never keep a lady waiting Steve' her voice shook slightly and she cleared her throat hoping he hadn't noticed. She knew her response was lame but what was she supposed to say? "Actually Steve I'm in love with you so if you could not have feelings for Sharon who is _perfect_ for you and be mine instead that would be swell?" No. She would always be Steve's partner on the field and when he needed her but she would not stand in his way for a chance at happiness with Sharon.

'I'd be keeping another lady waiting if I left right now. You were going to say something Nat?' his eyes were searching, hopeful almost and it killed her. She knew how easy he could read her if she let her mask down and really all she wanted to do right now was dance or hit something so she kept it short.

'It's nothing important Captain, you should go down to your lady love' she gave him a smile, hoping he wouldn't see through it.

Her use of his mantle instead of his name did not go unnoticed. His jaw tensed slightly. 'Sharon's not my girl' his expression changed and if she didn't know better she would say he took on his disappointed face. 'Do you… Do you think I should try something with her?'

Natasha was pretty sure she was in hell. This was karma for every shitty thing she had done in her life. Here was her person asking if he should pursue somebody else while she stood before him desperate to tell him exactly what he meant to her but knowing that if she really loved him she would lead him to what was best for him.

'I think you and Sharon could be good for each other' She needed to leave soon, the sheer effort of keeping up her smile was exhausting.

His eyes were scanning her face now, searching for something. He mustn't have found whatever he was searching for because his shoulders dropped in defeat. 'Yeah… maybe. I'll see you soon to meet with Wanda and Vision?'

She just nodded in response and he stopped mid turn. 'Are you okay Nat?' his hand half lifted as if to rest on her shoulder.

She nodded, clearing her throat. 'You should really get to Sharon, I have something to do so just have FRIDAY call me when you're finished.'

He didn't look very convinced so she turned and walked out of the room knowing she couldn't keep it up for very long. She made her way to the gym to work out her emotions. The past few weeks, Sokovia, her capture by Ultron and now letting Steve go were catching up on her. Natasha knew she wasn't okay right at that second but she was a big girl, she would hit some things and pull herself together. No she wasn't okay right now but she knew helping Steve make his way to Sharon was the right thing to do. She would be fine. Natasha was always okay in the end.


	2. Whats best for me

Natasha being taken wasn't the worst thing that could happen on the mission but it was close to it. The second he heard Hawkeye over the comms asking if he had eyes on her he could swear his heart stopped. Steve knew as soon as it was established that nobody did have eyes on Natasha that Hawkeye's mission priorities would change. Getting Natasha back would be his mission objective now, everything else was just a trip on the way.

Steve was more level-headed than Hawkeye, something they both readily agreed on but even he could admit that keeping mission focus in this situation was difficult for him. He was so used to having Natasha by his side, always someone to consult with or even to share the weight of the burden they carried as avengers. The others understood of course but it just wasn't the same without Nat. Objectively he knew that the most effective way to get Nat back was to take down Ultron but he couldn't stop the little voice in the back of the head urging him to fuck it all and find her. He knew Barton was on it, that he wouldn't rest until he found her and he knew that finding Ultron was his primary goal but he still couldn't help feel like he was betraying her somehow.

He tried to tell himself that it was worry because she was his teammate and he would be feeling the exact same if Thor or Banner had been taken but he knew he was kidding himself. It was so much worse because it was Nat. Maybe that made him a bad leader but right at this second he couldn't care less about that. He tried to focus on the mission, tried to block out all the thoughts haunting him about what Ultron could be doing to her. Steve was well aware Nat was strong, she had been through so much and always came out on top but something felt different about this time. Ultron was different than any foe they had faced previously and he was sick to his stomach that Nat was the one to take the fall to ensure the cradle was safely taken.

Having her back next to him was like exhaling. The tightness in his chest receded at the sight of her brilliant red hair and mostly unharmed form. His jaw clenched as he caught the split in her lip and he fought the urge to slip a hand under her chin to properly scan her face for injuries. Nat had been through worse, hell he'd seen her far more banged up than she was right now but he didn't know if he could handle a kidnapping and serious injuries all in one day. He laughed when she told him Banner had tried to bench her which probably wasn't appropriate but such a ridiculous sentiment he had to. Steve wanted to keep Nat safe more than anyone but trying to stop her from being involved was like trying to stop a fire raging through a forest of dead wood. She belonged there in the thick of things. She would never presume to have a pass on saving the lives of people, it just wasn't who she was. He knew she would always choose to fight for the world and a small selfish part of him was glad about that. She would remain next to him because just like her, he could never walk away from a fight.

He wasn't surprised that she was willing to give up her life to stop Ultron. Contrary to what people said, Nat was one of the most selfless people he had ever come across. She felt like she owed the world something and yeah maybe to an extent she did but Nat didn't do anything by halves. He smiled to himself. His Nat, always so self-sacrificing. They would have done it too, that was something he was sure of. Saving the world with a girl like Natasha by his side wasn't a bad way to go. The arrival of SHIELD meant they had time and for that Steve was glad. He was sure no matter the amount of time he got with her would be too little.

Surely she must know what she meant to him. His primary focus after Ultron was finding Bucky and bringing him home but even then she would never be far from his thoughts. Timing had never been on his side when it came to love but the beautiful thing about Natasha was she would be there at the end of it, he knew that much. He had never vocalised his feelings, just went with the assumption that she knew. Truth be told he was a little scared she didn't see him that way. He knew she considered him her partner but just how deep did that affection go? He would ask her when they had time and he was confident they would get it. He knew there was always another foe to be faced but Natasha was his teammate, anything he took on she'd be right by his side taking it on herself.

He liked that Fury asked them to take care of the newer members of the team. It gave him time to spend with her without a threat to their lives lingering between them. As he left Tony and made his way to her he smiled. If someone had told him way back when that he would end up in love with a defected Russian spy he would have called them crazy but here he was. Funny how life develops. He came upon her staring at the wall of the compound. She didn't react to his footsteps which was a clear sign that something was up. Natasha had reflexes that almost matched his own, it was a rare day when she didn't catch him sneaking up on her especially in the still quiet of the compound.

'You wanna keep staring at the wall or do you wanna get to work?' he hoped humour would help cheer her up. He knew from experience that Nat didn't particularly like to talk about things.

'I thought you and Tony were still gazing into each other's eyes' she sassed back and Steve felt himself relax slightly. If she was still able to sass him her thoughts mustn't be too preoccupied. The cut on her lip had healed, he noted absently. He blushed realising he was staring at her lips and shot his eyes back to hers. She was looking at him but hadn't seemed to notice. She had a determined glint in her eye and an air of nervousness about her that he would never normally associate with Natasha. He felt hope curl in his chest as he watched her gather her words.

'Steve, I-' FRIDAYS voice cut her off with a request for his presence with Sharon to discuss the mess of Sokovia. He had never cursed an appliance more than he did right at that second. She had been close to telling him something, he was positive. Her face dropped, she rectified it quickly with an expressionless mask but he caught the drop. He didn't know what could have happened in the last 30 seconds to upset her but he cursed whatever it was. He was good at reading her, probably only second to Clint but right now he had no idea what was going on in her brilliant head.

She went on talking about Sharon which was decidedly NOT the topic of conversation Steve wanted to pursue. She pushed him to get to Sharon so he wouldn't be keeping her waiting, as if the business he had with Sharon was any bit more important than speaking to her. He was taken aback when she called him Captain, she rarely did so out of the field. She knew how important the differentiation was for people he cared about so that stung. He was even more taken aback when she referred to Sharon as his 'lady love'.

Sharon was brilliant, she was a formidable agent, stood up for what she believed in and was beautiful to boot. Anyone would be proud to call her theirs. The only problem for Steve was that she's not Natasha. Surely Nat knew there was nothing between him and Sharon. He was kind of disappointed that she would even think it, maybe she wasn't as aware of how he felt as he had originally thought. She seemed so unaffected by the idea that Sharon could be his that he started to second guess himself. Maybe Natasha did only see him as a teammate? Would she be so open to Sharon being his if she had any romantic kind of love for him? His answer came when she encouraged him to pursue her.

She said that Sharon would be good for him. He watched her while she spoke, hoping to see any indication that she felt _something_ but all he saw was her carefully crafted poker face. His shoulders dropped in defeat. She hadn't tried to set him up with anyone in so long, he had hoped it was because she didn't want him with anyone else. Her attitude now painted a different picture. Utterly dejected he agreed to meet her after his meeting with Sharon.

When she just nodded in response he frowned, scanning her face again. Steve was a perceptive guy and Nat looked like she definitely had something on her mind. He lifted his hand and it hovered awkwardly. He would usually put a hand on her shoulder or draw her in for a hug easily but now he felt as if he had to second guess every touch to see if they were welcome. She told him she was okay and he knew if there was something he really needed to know Nat would tell him. He watched her go as she walked away, mourning what could have been if only she felt the same.


End file.
